"Some days just make me want to smile,
to laugh and not care about
the things that could be disturbing, or troublesome, or depressing
- if one thought about them...."

I figured i have just one aim, that i'm going to fight my ass of whatever i want. I need to be significant, and content if not happy. Although along the way the closest people would be the furthest in literal. I havn't really speculate my reasons to move move. But hours ago, on the available mobile to home, never failing, my iris dazed the moving scenary blindly& i thought of why i'm misplacing my soul in this country. Then i identified an unclear mental exclamation. That maybe i want a particular leeway for myself, from the unspoken pain at home. That maybe here is a cage of reluctant choices. That i yearn for serenity& self-accomplishment. For once i believe i can give myself that. Or rather i must. Either way i know i've to stand up by myself in this adulterated life. Although trepidation emanates from the lack of suficiency over there, it shouldn't be a cul de sac.

Ps: 'He' makes porridge the yummiest food ever.

Must be dreaming

Geri: "Don't you find it stress-free when he's gone?"
Me: (I nod). " Very Relieveddd.. "
Geri: " i needn't have anything to worry about."
Me: "same".

That substitude father of 12 years isn't home till tml& now its like a snow has cooled this place. For the time being anyway. Anyhow here's a feve song of mine above, will draft more when all is sunny. Having tummy horror& a juncture of puking. Okay BYEEE

Two lil black birds sitting on a tree
One named Annika, one named Geri
Fly away Annika, fly away Geri,
don't come back yet, until you're happy.

Smoke of stories of you, the wonderful mother. I always try to picture that than what i see throughout this life. But now i then chivalry assimilate the platitude that pain has made you something so easy to dissolve those memories.

Ps: It is not the recent dysfunction at home that created this post. It is not something that started with me. But it is the comfirming of reality, the avalanche of dirt that you cannot wash away no matter how hard you scrub.

Before you decide what you want to be, know when you want to be- Jodi's read, 'picture perfect'.

What if i said, bringing fantasies to life, mastering the ability of disembling& possessing another profile procreates this as the remaining you? That in truth, your soul is dead. Believingly, most people would verbally insert comfort& say: "You'll find yourself.. its not time yet" I tell that to myself too, if you didn't know.

That's when everyone decides i'm being frickle. And as time pases, i believed that too. Intercepting with that acception, i am wrapped with a mixture of frustration even when i began my first slow step to searching..

Afew days ago, Dan& me were at borders. He& i have different taste in books but he was there with me still. Most of the time. There should be more of him. How do i make do without him next time. Anyway i purchased 3 novels;; last on my list of Jodi's& the other two of Nora Roberts. Happy happy. Books are my favourite gifts to myself. Alryte i'm off blogger~ ciao

Its my turn for a change

I am going..
i am going..
i am going.. no bbuuttss

Even if my walking destination itself.


The curtain lips was torn apart& the faucet runs clear. 'They' glued it back shut& thread on a smile.
-Annika, in strange land.

Aparantly whatever on the plate seems obscene so eating is currently irrelevant. Not good. I'm negotiating soft solids to just liquidfied ones without lactose. Professional's advice. I'm nowhere appalled to drafting too. I couldn't see my paleness or jaded visibilty that Seth& a few friends pointed out. Anyhow I still had to conduct a class ytd even with my official paper;; unfit for 1 day of duty. I was irate& irate but it weren't obstruse enough to ridicule.

Dan sat by me for 3 hours as i slept. What would a tree survive on without its colour? Thank you for being there. ily. Anyway I got $50 from the director as to the transmitted malady at work. I met Tinee& Grapes the day b4. Its not from the food we ate i can comfirmed. So not guilty apon receiving the compensation.

I'm staggering through Anita Shreve's read. Her words are of poets& possibly could discard the meaning of pictures. Really. I am thinking of making her novel my companion;; Note her composed sentences strictly in useful juxtaposition. For an advantage to what i might choose to do next time. Okay I suppose i've exhausted my reverie. I think too much of it.

why do i waste so much time on blogger anyway? I would have love to indulge in the typical chinese tradition preparation- shopping for clothes. I got myself a pair of Eddy-Tie boots& baby phat jacket imported from America. And then my tummy reacted badly i exited to a cab. I figured i don't do much shopping so i won't blame anyone. Not Annika's or mine. That i know.

Inspiration

at some point, you have to make a decision.
boundaries don't keep people out - they fence you in.
life is messy. that's how we're made.
so, you can waste your life drawing lines, or, you can
live your life crossing them. but, there are some lines
that are way too dangerous to cross. here's what I know.
if you are willing to take the chance,
the view from the other side is spectacular.

luncheon

Met Dan for lunch today, Delifrance. I've a big hole in my head. The attributed weapon cannot be found. That piece of shit. Then came the tacit admission of discomfort cause of a conversation elusive of my plans. Not yet. I won't think bout it yet, or you'll make me cry. But there's more of him in this heart of mine.

Note to self;; The next step, visit Qualified Education Agent Counsellor:]

Wallow isn't in my system to my chagrin. Went through the faux version of India with Yi lei& Soni. We got our tummies full before sight-seeing. I ordered onions in flour, pretty south indian food but the wrong choice. I didn't like onions. I don't know why i got it. Does it happen to you?

So lunch with prodigal Genevieve didn't went yummilishes but i'm grateful to be having fun without the drudgery at work following me around like an ugly tail at the back. Meanwhile i've cemented my status as courageous& yet a coward by planning a getaway. Its a lot to prepare. I'm trying to fix as much during these few months. Till i'm ready. At least i'll have a friend there.

We had Henna done perfectly on our hands. Its sooo nice. Then it was ruin at different angles during the careless venturing-_____- But we got stuffs hand-made in India. God, that's both happy& depressing. This is a huge problem under my circumstances. I need that sum of money or i'll don't have the money. Its that simple. I'm trying to inject comfort to my straining nerves now. This is what i need. And more Gulab Jamun. Gf bought me one just now. SWEET.

Platitudes

"I'll like to climb a mountain one day, reach the top. Though it seems not plausible, i'll still like to try."

I treated myself to swiss frankfurter flat during lunchbreak. I wouldn't have propose spending $5 for high class sandwich but my mentally& physically pressuring work made me desperate for it. I was grateful. I sat alone whilst waiting for my order, only accompanied by my rented NR's novel. Perfect. The place. The period. The tranquility. The read. Perfect for distraction& oblivion. Damn perfect for me. There were no ramnants in my plate except for a piece of lettuce i dropped. I thought it seemed so unwanted.. Yet still healthy.

My besties came by my workplace for awhile. Ps: I always love their honest remarks. Yes. And them of course.

Its 11.43p.m. Waking at 7a.m. I feel a tiny flower withstanding a storm. Tired. Things have been happening a lot recently at nyte. My sister was confiding in me about her complex problems, while i note the 20 over evidence of physical abusement on her. How do a tiny flower help a broken one in a storm?

Maybe..

Breathless again today. The only one class i conducted is chewing me up but the busy work helps me to not go there. Along some time today, I have been making mental calculation, supposedly my difficult navigation is comfirmed. I need a lot more savings. I'll need a savings plan. Its strange to think how frugal i've become, annoying myself in debation not to spend.

Choices. I hate them but genuflect them too. Its a junction. It means i can make a decision. I don't want to be here. I'm giving myself 2yrs.

I missed a good sleep once more last nyte. Its another of those wicked curse. I didn't do anything but wait at the phone& hope everything is alryte. It came& gone within a nyte. "If you have any problems you must say, don't just keep it to yourself or do silly things" By Daddy. Me? i'm okay ntg wrg all fine my entire life(cross fingers).

Ps: Baby i know you're reading this now& a lil nag here, you should be in bed-____-

At home, Mommy's place.

I rented as book today. At the 3rd rental store i have raided an hour each, i finally settled with the one. I had been thinking of Jodi's, expecting a new read of hers but no.. Guess not yet so i'll venture into Nora Roberts for now.

I feel like i've roamed all the streets, like i've counted all the daffodils on the grounds. I don't know where i'm navigating to, i'm still searching. But the roads are never-ending and i can pause my counting now. Just awhile more before i search again.

Anyway, i should be at work now but instead i'm nursing myself here. I feel awful, not because i'm sick. But it'll be a quarter smaller of my pay check. I have about 600 for my savings. Another 25 days more to the next pay check. I don't know what i'm saving for. For my current suficiency i know but i want a real dream.

I missed dinner last night, ate a baby's portion of lunch today in combination with my medication& that's a step to disrupting my eating habits. But that's okay.. I'll make up for it. Its a restless day. January 5. I'm going to sleep. Bye

"you've got this silly way of keeping me on the edge of my seat"

Mood: Emotionless
Songs: Joel turner- these kids, David Crowder- Glorious

Woo.. Within the past 12 hours, i have consumed 2 bowls of cereal, my gingerbread i had been saving since christmas, wangwang, chocolate waffles, chweekueh(fave) and rice w chicken. I feel stuffed like the teddy bear Dan& me saw at esplanade. Your choice of how much cotton you want in its tummy. You know. But its cute. Okay this paragraph is just random. Scrap that. Recently i've been blogging in incomplete sentences. Please bear with it.

Anyway classes today was horrible. I had to rewrite& memorise everything once more. Words in sequences=.= For a minute then i felt like giving up. Like what the hell am i doing? More like why. But no, my entire family realises i'm a chameleon already. Can't do can't do can't do.

I'm 110% jaded. Has Einstein followers invented a liquified sleep replenisher that works within 60 seconds? I need sleep badly. ALOT of sleep. I have annoying dark circles. I want Barbie skin. For once i prefer plastics to authentic. But realistically that means going under the knife. Yuck. Disgusting. Anyhow Annika suggest destroying all electronics tonyte that i can lay hands on& make sure i wear ear plucks. Right. Its 22.14 now. Time to research living abroad details than bedtime. Ta~

I decided upon another name for my other half. Annika. Yes i just love that name. Okay Genevieve2, your name will now be offically changed. Anyway anyway. Ytd was supposed to be fun. Like hoorays and the love. But instead the contrast because my legs felt like a thousand kilos, my feet felt on fire and my iris like a butter of peanuts. We got home at 11 over. Had 'countdown' with Dan while watching Xmen/ Mr deeds. I like Adams Sandler. I have a slight fanatic connection with him. Anyhow i cursed my heels a million times then. I kept complaning to Dan bout how its killing me until the part he did somethin real sweet. O.. i found i've been stuck up ytd. That must be Annika. Not me. Okay i shall end this post now Thank you everyone& sorry about ytd* Now i'm off.