let go

So the close batch of us partied the last few days in Paramount. I thought was pretty okay. No pictures taken there though because my camera isn't flash operated. Other than that was the part Dan& me accidentally sat for a zombie movie. I hate it. I hate dark seekers. I hate secluded spaces. After everything that happened on christmas, i hate the movie even more. But the German Shephard parts are my favourite. Okay then i wanted mental mindreplenishing so afterwards we got dark chocolates. Happy!

I'm comtemplating where to frolic on NewYear's eve. Homeclub maybe? But first my revolution. i need my thinkin cap. Like Blues Clues. I'm too sleepy for anything. O well. This evening after work Dan& me headed town to see Anna Judge April. I couldn't make out what the girl was singing maybe cause i'm forced to be seated at the side of the stage where the speakers isn't faced there. But their music is great as usual:]

Anyway i think i'm getting depressed. Yes. Its comfirmed. Roberto's last class is tml& i won't be seeing him again;[ Well life goes on.. gotta let go.

3.30a.m

My sister& me ran away from our temporary house by then. Its more of i followed her. Home is pain. Anyhow it was only 4 hours i was asleep till now& i decided to borrow Tity's com. My sister is sound asleep. Tt's good. Christmas morning has been horrible. Us insinuating the rewinded paroxysms of misery before we went to slumberland at 7 a.m. Mommy's honest msg broke my my well. Anyway between then i thought of words other than 'crying' to distract my self-centered soul. I remembered this phallic conversation afew days ago & it goes like this..

Me: Do you know there's 4 more words with the definition of crying?
Dan: mm.. he started saying weeping? watering.
Me: watering? no! hahaha.
Then i started pretending intelligence& becoming the substitude thesaurus.

Anyway. Merry christmas everyone. Lastly to Geri, you're loved by me most.

Blogged- 3.am.

& i never thought i'll still be hanging out with the ones i thought have long gone. But anyway it will be time to say goodbye. Okay cheers to love on christmas! PS: i finally have that M'cd given from Daniel.

I am robot

Ima in my Dad's now. Pretty contented.. I slept for 11 hours for the first time in weeks. Anyway 2days ago, i got gifts from both my parents. A Carlorino handbag& Incanto~Dream perfume. So happy. But i'm not excited on the upcoming razzmatazz because my payday is switched to end of next week. Plus my Dad loaned me cash for suficiency which also means this year would be a season of no giving.


Anyhow ytd Seth Dan& me met for jamming. Sort of. I was more of in my own world:]Afterwards we had my feve prata. Then i got greedy so i got myself a hot plate of bbq fish. I finished the entire thing excluding the bean sprout. That was during a few of our friends joined us. To be frank, i want to construct a gap between them& me. Its like a merry loophole that doesn't goes with you. Like, your a raindrop on a mew. Like, you wish there's such thing as human sublimation.

So...24th, 28th, 30th, would be party party party& on the 29th- Gig. Yes party will be at my mom's bar, she invited me for the first time. That's cause i'm 18. Now she remembers. Did i mentioned she cooked a yummilishes dinner last nyte? Well I got back from town just to finish 1/2 of her delicatessen then headed to my Dad's. Jaded.. Okay that's all for now, gtg!

Bubbly in Ganache

So its before before Christmas dinner day& Vert decided for us to go to this delicatessen ytd. He works there. We did. I put up till 12a.m mainly cause i had platter& mushroom from Brussell Sprout then Gingerbread, 70%, Spring& Cassis from Laurent's cafe& chocolate bar. All of which should belong to monied people& i felt horrible. But after the gorge, like heaven thanks to Berlinda& tweety bird. Vert has a small mohawk. Anyway i got back at 1& yea few more hours to work. Work work work.


There was this part that we couldn't stand ourselves. This chubby lady sat on a high chair with her thongs so obvious. Extremely& she knows it but she let it be. Vert felt like going over to spank her ass(jokingly) Well basically we all agreed its disgusting. I was wondering if those type of girls know its a turn-off?


A part of Bazzare said if you sleep more, you'll lose weight. And then Dan was like:" you sleep more or less, you look the same." =.= i need to body trimming. Anyhow i Gtg. Bye!

Here's how the surprise went. Many days agooo, i said to Dan that i want to watch Nutcracker on ice. Then it was left in oblivion. But after work today, he collected me from parkway& we left for God knows where. & then we reached fairytale. I was soooo happy. Am happy still. At this juncture, i reminise about me a few hours ago. I had forgotten that i cried for an hour ytd. I forgotten that i made a plan. I only thought how lucky i was. lucky lucky.


Anyhow i had a dream last night. Not a nightmare. A dream. I was stabbed by sharp confetti of ornaments after the gargantuan christmas tree fell on me. I saw myself like a soul watching her familiar body adorned with blood when they removed the plastic branches. Afterwards, it blurred till the part i told the nurses to let me go. Not literally though.. Naeway how many days to christmas? right, 11;]

In nineteen mins you can be overdosed

In nineteen mins, you can confess every pain you have to someone you chosen. And in nineteen mins, you can do what you said you wanted. But then during the beginning, you decided to wait for the next bomb to fall on you to comfirm for that nineteen mins to happen.


Ello guys how is all? Well for selfish me fashion, i'm good. I'm at work now which i shouldn't be but well i prefer to be out from the house. Okay seriously i'm at work cause of a temporary change of schedule. Anyhow ytd i brought Nana to watch A& the chipmunks. Afterwards, we met our Dad at Cartel. My dad was the last to place his order so i said to the lil ones "he can't decide which cause he wants all" & we all giggled. Anyway during dinner i told my Dad, 2yrs from now, i want my own house. He then gave a ridiculed look yadda yadda yadda.. so i smiled to myself; he doesn't know me at all.


Before Dan came over late at nyte, i took a non-advisable combination of edible drugs. But because i'm a coward, i took a small amount of each. I wanted to test the body aftermath. I also wanted my brain to dysfunction for awhile. Then i prayed God don't punish me.


I can't for Dan to uncoil his surprise for our tenth month later;]

I'm fishing in a sea of nothing

Ello people. I just got back from an errand i had to make& there's an impending notion not yet to be accomplished because of the weather. Well before that was work and Kaylea came for one of the classes. I suspect whoever sees her would automatically label her demure. And she has eyes that'll urge you to be her protector. I gladly was for the 45 mins though;]


Anyhow anyhow, i went for a gathering ytd with the ex-adams& friends. I remember seeing myself fussing over my loose dress& selflessly making myself occupied. So much for a goodbye gathering. But the barbequing part was quite productive(like duh) everyone's attention gets to the food i guess. Well mine did. Aww& here's the obvious part. Some of us were clearing the charcoal out when when my dress slipped down. Then i just pretended it was OKAY. Seriously its not that i'm not conservative. My cheeks are doing self-destruction. You know like tomato red. So i told myself i'm never wearing that loose pretty dress again even if everyone said it was good on me.


Okay i've been reading nineteen mins. I came across a hundred words worth noting but i only insinuate over a platitude; Death has no second chances. Idk why demish seems to be the only epithet i am coiling myself in. But during this, too, had emanated a hate. A hate that i know i've choked myself to a weakling. A hate that i don't have a clue to who am i. A hate that i know all of this reflects me immature.

Will you still remember me if there was a me?

Significant

The meaning of life is different for individual. However, there are two paths each individual can take. They can choose either a Happy life, or a Signifiant life. If they want to remain happy, they are surrounded with friends and family and devote their time to these little matters. A person choosing a significant life, has to make many sacrifices in order to be significant.

-philosophicthoughts

I ate an hour of Dan's happiness today. I told him i want to rid this soul in my body. I had said it few times before but in levity. This time, i expressed a factful deathwish. He than felt misery to tears so i dispose my pathetic admission. We talked about Religion& Science. He told me a short story of Jesus that he thinks might sway me but no. But in effort to make ourselves happy, i talked about direct contribution in VSO or SIF. Which reminds me an alternative to not be a paltry in this world.


Earlier today, i rented jodi picoult's latest book. YES. Means they'll be more of her new books to come. Its titled: nineteen mins. I quickly left the bookstore so as to "extricate" regretness due to the lack of cash i'm left. Anyway after 358 days i finally tasted gingerbread. Dan got for me 3 of a different design. I finished 2& saving the last.

Gingerbread& Prodigal Genevieve.

This Christmas

A min ago, i was eminently excited to start blogging. And then.. i became overwhelmed with droopiness& slumber mind. Last few days i've been horribly busy but the children are pure sunshine. One of them actually mistook no for yes. "Do you want a stamp? No." Means yes. Well everyone is in christmissy mood. I see green, red and blue, but i'm more on blue. Blue for; $ needed to buy gifts.

Anyway i'll be busy until idk when. Even on my offday on fridays, i have an encompass schedule. But i'll still find the time to paint my nails.

Speaking about nails, i met my Dad ytd. Daddy& nails are total opposite attract but since i was young, majority of my girly necessities are bought to me from him. Okay he got me a nail polish to subsitute all the dry ones at home& a remover. Then he gave me an exobitant amount of cash to last me for about 2 weeks( i pray longer). I didn't like myself accepting it but during desperate measures like this one, i have to ignore my demeanor. Anyhow, i felt more enamored. Its rare that i get sufficiently showered. Still i prefer less generousity.

Anyway the main influence of blogging today is because of the best best best true story i ever read about. Betty Mahhoody, the one& only lady i look upon out of all my favourite authors. Its basically about human rights. Yes, i've been attentive to only the animal catergory. So next i'm gonna jump to another Human book.

Okay really jadad. Gonna go. Bye! Twinkle twinkle lil star....

My Saturday

This December 2007 ingredients to celebration would be contrast to razzmatazz, I'm hoping i would get an advance pay or i'll disappear from my portion of crowd best i can. While "shopping" in borders I found a writer's book whereby my style of writing cannot be disimiliar from his even from the careful 2 mins i took analysing. I left right after i stopped at the entrance, i've a current trepidation to explore something.


Anyway ytd i started my first day at work. I get to frolic with infants& perfect families& i also have a proposition for christmas, tt's what i love about this work. My nagative thesis would not impinge when lil angels surrounds my senses. I need to work resisting myself from recoiling to procreating fun though& I like it there. Anyhow, Joyce my manager is Daniel's cousin's wife. Basically. wow.


Then after Dan& me met my mom at parkway. She bought a huge bag which she's eminently proud of until i commented it looked a quater of the exact price she purchased for. So hypocritically i agreed that it looked really nice. Before we left for home with marks& spencers reduced fat carbs, i finished a tuna bun. I told my mom about Dan's relation with my manager. I deduced it would be a different sense of comfort at work already. When we got home, we watched Like Mike while i had a big cup of peppermint ice-cream, a bunch of cookies& belgian chocolates. I finished the entire thing.


Anyhow i hate fretting over family normalcy problems. Take my sister for example. She's 12& she still doesn't know the idea of manners. I can't blame her due to unforseen reasons but during raving junctures, i feel like strangling her. Literally. Infrequently, i wished i had had their kind of life. Knowing lesser things makes them live easier. Don't you think?

Crimson lips

Hy lovelies. Its 4.25a.m i was actually awoke to a bloodied mouth hours ago. After much tossing& turning i decided to blog to make my eyes jaded. Anyhow i am happy. I'm my mom's darling priority at the meantime. She prepared ice bags when i got home& she's gonna prepare her delicious porridge later later. What would be your idea of clandestine?


Anyway earlier on Dan was counting on his fingers: "2 words; had fun?! had fun?! when i told him my opinion on the entire operation. Well it isn't everytime you get stitches when your wide awake but still he doesn't like feeling useless like a toy on table with needles. It isn't fun for me now though. Its painful


Okay well back to my selfish thoughts, I love my Miss Bunny(schedule book), i can pen down my davastating worries that i prefer not to display here. Anyway christmas season is coming, i so must purchase my all-time-fav christmas carols disc by Mariah Carey. I've been waiting since since... mine had gone missing 5 yrs ago.


One last thing, i like the spice girls, i do not like Victoria Beckam though, she's like a robotic mannequin in their new vid. I mean, she's such a sad person don't you think? Her jaw seems to be restricted from smiling& i realise our current similarity, unfortunately my jaw can't open open too


Ps: I hope my papa gets well soon..

Strawberries on doughnuts

Ytd.. Dan rented a true story i chose for myself& he bought me fake nails. Well, the tar really does stick them but BUT, i cannot tolerate the many limitations of what faux provides. So i decided to peel it off. I left 2 of them on, for i-think-its cute& he got it for me. One more thing, i have a schedule book. I never had one. This one has the design of female rabbit in Bambi, my gf bought it for me so i'm goona start updating. Hee. One last thing i'm crazy over Mike ho. My bbf is calculating the period of me being fanatic. She wager 2weeks.

For once since my separation from my maker, i decided nothing could sway me from the levity of my meaningless navigation. Maybe 10yrs from now, i'll still indulge myself in fiction& gladly escape to one of its character's demeanor& maybe my existence would be an illustrious lineage in my family. But at this juncture, i am dreading every forward ticking of the time machine& my dreams slowly sheding its every portion into its hiding place until prehaps.. next time.

Anyhow my mom& me had our favourite chweekueh about 12a.m. Yummyyy. She talked about the preparation before the minor surgery later& then i said: "mommy the next few days you'll be glad" & she asked why so i replied "I'll be home cause of my swollen cheek" & she satisfied, we started talking bout banana pancakes my sister made. Well i shall stop here.Tuloos!

make believe is so much fun

Ello everyone:] Okay i'm pretty stuffed with titillating schedules.. well i'm tethering on the brink of God's plans for me. I might get a job. A permanent one. This part of my life is growing up. Anyhow I'm contemplating. Purely work or work& not-my-choice-of study. But then my indecisive choices has its own good intentions. I'm jaded. Very much sometimes. Crying& ignorance would be my latest fashion. Please don't mind me. Anyway did i mention the job comprimises interacting with innocent minds?;; Land babies. hee. So ytd i slumbered at my gf's house(the bunch of us sneaked out to play actually). I played mother of the shitzus& Yiying was the nanny. Okay back to obvious, i picked up bit of MAHJONG from Yi lei. She pronounced me as her luck charm. I do not believe so but it was nice to think that way heheh. Well the contrast is due to countless unfortunate events. i can barely relieve one now. Anyhow in between the wee hours we played bluff; With much analysing our countenance, Yi lei said i'm a whizz at lying though i lost still. I'm an amateur at chain-lying, definitely cannot withstand an interrogation.

Ps: Soni tells me don't let the other language carry me a bag of sinful bygones.

I hurt, i cry, i heal

The last few days dawned a shadowed weather phallic to my current situation. Its a contrast to faux cherry veneer over my face when frugality can't hit back to me. My mom said i've crossed the monied limit due to the comfirmation of a complicated removal of a paltry existence. Which made me terribly guilty to tears. Anyway I like it there in the room. There's a flat screen tv casting Sea philosophy. Anyhow 5 more days to momentary introduction with anesthetic.


Ytd i was back at Dad's but it was just for a day cause i felt more comfortable at my mom's. But i'll be going back there tml again for a small celebration. My stepmother's 35th bday? I think. A gift. gift. gift i've yet purchase one to show my appreciation to her all these years. Well, another plausible reason i'm navigating to adulterated life. Money=leeway=bliss:]


Okay well i spent my last 24hrs in pajamies watching a sappy chinese series with my younger sister. YES. Chinese. I got the whole set. Dan came over after his sch& well he saw me at my most embarrassing moment. Sappy movies make me deeply sentimental. Extremely=.= He then commented "this drama is like bold& beautiful haha." Then i said while crying "I don't like watching these kind of show or those kinds where dogs die." But, i still am. Maybe my tear glands feels it need replenishing. Now, to the typical genevieve routine- i shall end here BYE!

I will follow you into the dark

I'm evil. I like it when my mom is ill. She'll be at home. We had Philipine traditionals(yum) the eminently sour soup is my personal favorite. I don't have a sweet tooth. Then afew hours later we shared Long JohnSilver together. Naeway, i'm getting a part of my body fix tml as now it hurts like corona bottle stuck in ur nose.

Ps: Daniel's my candy coated monster. He doesn't want me to do things alone but don't laugh if i'll have a swollen cheek tml. ily:]

Reflecting thy flaws

i wondered for the first time in my life,
if life was worth all the work it took to live.
what exactly made it worth it?
what's so horrible about being dead forever
and not feeling anything and not dreaming?
what's so great about feeling and dreaming?
(i hate this its depressing)

Rejection& lost are synonymous. After a momentary introduction with reject, you end up staggering in a farinaceous fog especially when you don't have the illusion of life. Well you know you'll still live& you can't relent to demise but you'll dread gettin up everyday struggling to be self sufficient in something you don't like which may provide a conception of no assurance. You then start to think about all the hapless people in worst scenerios& you stab yourself imbecile.

Being in a world with -100% hope you start to relent to depression at sparodic times You then have God to remind you this is the way i want your life to be& you believe him so much you scrap the thought of trashing yourself just to make sure once again there's something beautiful waiting for you.

Anyway the initial experience to celebrate rock well experimental genre included too needs a little makeup. My usual Bobbi Brown eyeliner, Dior mascara& skinfood loose powder. Unfortunately we didn't stay to see Saw loser or Stars don't fall due to lack of dollars to go home. Yes Dan& me are broke. I'm gonna be till i get a job. Anyway i didn't get to see the mosh pit. I was too short'_____' so no tasty info here though there were many naked asses. As they were called by the FM muttons. Anyhow we wanted to cheer nicky at FarEast before that but but but i was caught in something above mentioned. Well.. that's all for now.

I woke up to woman saying Macdonalds to me trying to get me out of bed at 7 plus a.m. That woman was my mother. A woman who has the propensity of doing harebrained stuffs at unpredictable junctures& she has no idea. Anyway back to 'M'. I just finished a whole biggy breakfast i can't sleep& i get to work later in the morning at my sister's new Spa:]

I figured i prefer people who dares to say what they want or feel. Unlike me, i'm a hypocrite. Is there such thing as a sane hypocrisy? just in case there isn't, i am still that. Its my classification of recipocrate to hide my dissatisfaction. But, i'm gonna change that.

Hopes dies last is very good. 'Last night's goodbye' is my personal favourite. Anyway, my hair takes ages to grow. I also cut out the curly strands to devoid from supressing& now it looked one end shorter '_____'

Anyhow.. i want my upper lip pierced. I want black mary-jane shoes& clothes from marc jacobs. The second 2 could be plausible. The inital want would ruin my career opportunities& i'm pretty much happier to being self-sufficient rather than relying on mommy. Its one of my childhood dreams. so bye to wild.

She sleeps like owls don't exist

I've been vastly occupied lately. I met some of my friends during the week of my convalescence. The usual; my grandma nags at how much being outdoors would do to my health. I love her. Though her verbalization are screeching to the ears. Anyway last friday, Coco has a new bed but she seem to be a bit bigger than it. Aww well.. not that she cares.

Yesterday i got to hang out with Daniel, we were suppose to eat out in the morning& then indulge in unplanned places but due to a disclosed situation we bought back for my family. After feasting, i had a bowl of cereal. Banana-nut crunch& chocolate milk! I pretty much finished the entire thing. Afterward we headed out. The wasted day led us enraptured in a rad performance. We saw West Grand Boulevard. They were awesome. The black dressed-emo haired audience were awesome. We didn't watch the others cause there weren't much spare time. I didn't try the redked free styling too. My hair has enough chemicals.

Other than that, Dan& me joined Seth on an i spy you took my ride hunting but to no avail. We waited till 11.45p.m comtemplating whether law should take over& then Dan decided i should go home. I wanted to.. seeing how i got itchy bites on my legs.

Anyhow I don't know what i'll do later. The trip to grandma's house is cancelled. Well gtg bye!

The dreamer& i

I woke up with a farinaeous chest bout 7 a.m waking me to get proverbial warmth& Ventolin. That compared to months ago was less deplorable. Anyway i still had to make a trip down to visit Dr Ho. He deduced i might need almost 3 months of continuous intake of seretide& nasonex due to December season. Anyhow my baby was with me 1/2 of wednesday. He even skippied morning classes. I couldn't be more love-tongue tight;]

Aww as i were saying previously previously, i'm irretrievably cashless. I need to restrain myself to be out anywhere i will spend. yes. That includes no subway sandwiches or anyhow binging on unpermitted diet(by Dr ho), weeks ago.

Okie i was watching blues clues this afternoon& i told my baby that next time i'll want my kids to watch it too. Then he started laughing& then i said "what?". He was like "nuh.. just cute". I have more impending motions too. Like.. i want to go Russia try their delicatessen, maybe be a journalist in africa.. adopt a kid there, buy a house by an exotic beach& i can paint there yadda yadda..

Anyways, i can't tan. Temporary. The SIA official employers prefer fair believing it'll yuppify girl's countenace. I guess no more mooting on my undecisive perspective. Its an advantage too you know or i'll brag to Daniel bout it over& over again. He'll not stand it. Neither can i.

I was an ugly duckling.

Literally. Its an exact factual statement that matches a children's story. I'm just proud i was ugly. My mom told me how it was a phallic before but after engrossing in baby photographs she leaked a more detailed one. It began like this; the day i came out ugly, yes just a simple ugly, my paternal bloodline extracted me out of their circle of love. Then my mom would always say to my terribly round clueless face;; "you must grow pretty, you see, they don't even like you." Fortunately, God made wonders. After nine months my features edited itself but it weren't till 2yrs later i'm not considered unwanted. Permanently. PS: ily mommy& aunt daisy(idk where you are) but ty for praying for me.

Anyhow, i'm liberated. Yes finally. I've gone rich to poor in a day. BUT, i got a beautiful wallet& a knitted baker boy(black) from RIVER ISLAND. yay! Okay I'm meeting my baby& BFF in a few hours time after a fundimental interview so... to be continued:] bye peeps!

I eat stuffs idk/can't remember what its called

Anyways i'm proud of bald women. You see, i can't live without my hair unlike them. & certainly if my brown hair is "poof", my above would look like a BIG heart-shaped to my petite frame. So even though it gives confidence to cancer patients, i still can't bring myself to do it unless unless unless you buy me wigs. Looks isn't everything. i know that.

Okie i decided planning for my future now is like planning for my wedd in half a dozen yrs time. Yes. Even my other half agrees on that. I want to do this that and that one. But all of them is a paltry existence in my world. Rawr.

Anyhow today, 1 nov... no more impending confusion. I am travelling back in time to . . . i mean travelling back to my old house to dig out some nostalgic family stash. I certainly hoped my dolls are still there haha. But i deduced all has disposed of after 7 long yrs. At least i'll hold some other visible treasures of my past.

I love oblivion. It means you'll be comtemplating on your own state of mind transcend to knowing more would kill you.

Ello guys. Here's a quite old song. But yea, ily medic droid! no offence i like JS too.

One last thing;; Wooppyy& thank you;; BlogStars for the award:] Shall blog another day bweyye!

"ya wan sum'nin' go ge'it

Do i really want it? yes i do. & not even your dad can stop you- Chris Gardner. Being at the normalcy of adulterated life, in my part of reality is not promising and including boring. So i watched a sappy movie i brought with me to shirk my boredom. The motion picture plus mommy's sudden care message to me made me weepy. Well its bad for me. Cause my mom is a self indulgent person. So her mysterical tar she secretes very infrequent between us made me touched to.. you know.

okay i can't decide which i prefer. Tan or Fair. Or middle(fresh). In my previous serious relationship, i weren't permitted the leeway to be who i am. But now i can. Buoyantly so cause Dan is the only guy who sees less outwardly. i remember he said once why not if i prefer tan i go sunbathe& if i prefer fair i stay in. Then i started polluting his good advice cause he missed out one thing;; The process to get into my ideal color takes a certain period to achieve my either& so i would change my like during. I'll still like tan. But no, fair makes goth nice. Anyways i din even know ytd was hel-low-wee-en. & no i didn't get to celebrate:[ Well... hope you had a spooky day! Bye!

I'll like to talk about the previous century

I remembered when i was younger, my dad read me a bedtime story& tuck me in after much annoying pleads from me. It was just once cause he weren't around much but it felt special. My mom couldn't. Or maybe never had the chance to. My dad was there in every way he can. But for the real reasons, its because my mom weren't permitted. Right at this juncture, she is there. Materially. She trusted my caliber& decided to be alongside the path i'll want to take. It is a piece of good news. I should be buoyant, frightened, minusing the inconceivable. But no, i would be labelled as unrealistc by my dad. The one whom i look forward to step through the door& i'll feel as if he has deminished all monsters in our house.

i miss you Daniel. Merci d'entendre mes cris sur le minuit. Je t'aime au moon& en arrière:]


"I am not interested in money. i just wanna be wonderful."



Ello lovely people.


Ytd Ytd Ytd... i spent most of my time with Almond eyes& Madagasca celebrity. We assimilated Dan's mama evil creation;; YUMMY FOOD. Then i told seth, "i'm quiting on dieting. I figured i prefer buxom to plastic& chewing solids to gobbling air" Then he said i'm not even fat. Anyhow that's mostly factual only to viewers, not the performer. Anyways, i was talking about my day. I ended up finishing my novel, slurped the best chengteng(or so my mom says)& watched disney. Then my sis came to me buyontly spilling news that my mom was gonna open a SPA for her ruling her profession. I wanted to say aww i can work there then so i won't roam the streets. But it won't be my demeanor. So i didn't.


There's a list of food my Doc says to avoid;; mainly milk, tea, coffee, spices, supper. Yes. I better take note before regret come with full intention. One more thing, i lost my memory card. Hours later it was found. I gave my best dakota fanning grin but found out it was not working-means-all memory gone. Okay i'll leave you with that. Bye!

Me(joyfully): Sis, what kind of make-up should i wear to an interview?
Sis: The usual, something neat.
Me: okay..
Zen: aww you're going an interview?
Me: yea just trying thou i know my standards aren't to their requirements.
Sis: Ha. you're full of crap, one min art school, this& that.
Me: Why? its for BACKUP.

Then i sauntered out the door, irately. What i really really really want, is to live my body behind, to live in my mind:]

Between the hours 4a.m to 9a.m, i had a dream. One that seems like a phallic to my current unsettlement. I was a living-doll, fantasically, and a tailor made me tried afew costumes all of which wouldn't fit me. She started redoing my measures while i left for the streets, feeling so small in the world. Its not that i feel unwanted by the world, but the world feels unwanted by me.

State of oblivion

Just a rough hour ago, my papa's harsh spellbinding verbalizations drove me to a familiar home, my sanctuary;; my reverie. I can see myself in a simple clothe, in a dark but beautiful maze, relenting the traps that have shackled my tiny feet. I don't know why he, the one who taught me how to be independent at the age of 10, could make me portray my weakness again. The moment i knew it was coming, i desperately wanted Daniel on the line. I know i could choose what to do with my life. I know i'll need all the money i can earn to be happy. I know, by rebelling against his one-sided factual commands, he'll be irate. I know, if ever i'm wrong, i'll be losing him& me.

How can i go from here to there, with my father opposed to my 70% permenant decision? Pathetically, i wish i don't have to.

Innocence

Stoned.

Ello bloggie.

I'm in a mixture of proverbial malady. About 2a.m had me with cold-head& sore upper pharynx. Thank God it was abit better after i tried sleeping it off& then the morning woke me with a sudden need for extra strong stepsils. The minor fiasco upended after Dan collected me from home to my family clinic. "Its an infection in your throat" said the unfamiliar consultant. Me;; But why does it still hurts after mulitple consecutive times prescriptions i have finished? We'll see how if these drugs fixed me says he or i might arrange to send you to a specialist. The meantime, sleep more more liquid. Feelllingg soooo numbbb my throat now.

Anyway, I like telling myself, when teteering at the edge of caution, the world's only as big as what we know. You'll least expect when the evil line creeps onto you& when it does you'll only want to dissipate what has happened before the end surprises you. And then you'll be fortunate if you have someone you can cling onto during drastic confusion. Yes, this post relates to me in every-way. I'm only a girl in this big big world. Me who doesn't like being labelled or belong to the master of slut duplicities.

He speaks my name like its covered with blankets.

He's that kind of love i'll settle for. I know.

There's two kinds of love, i gathered, one is in the safe kind, you look for someone who's exactly like you. Its what most folks settle for. But then there's the other kind of love. Everyone is born with a ragged edge, And some folks crave that piece that's a perfect fit. You'll search it forever, if you have to. And if you're lucky to find it, you'll tear at your own seams, thinking, maybe i could look just as perfect. But then, of course when you try to get close to their other half, you don't fit anymore. That kind of love, you'll come out a different person than you were when you started. Will you sacrifice yourself to that extent?

My mom is many miles away from me at this juncture &i don't miss her. It'll be exponentially she'll call to speak to me either. I& her has an unknown maze i tried hard to exit wilst my dad& me, i have more vision of him in my life than her. Okay back to me. i'm scheduing my workdays to almost everyday this week. The desperate soul is taking its toll. I'll need enough to support myself. Anyways i'm feeling rice crispies in my throat. It's becoming insurmountable. My grandma was suggesting i remove my tonsils for my case. Okay gtg bye!

My aim.

Surrveyyy

30 things about you

1. What's your #1 on your top 8 at the moment?

She's at home.

2. what is your fav possession?

My porcelein Dolls.

3. If you see your ex what would you say?

hellogoodbye.

4. What do you think of hotdogs?

Disgusting but yummy.

5. What is your fav christmas song?

all i want for christmas is you.

6. What do you first drink in the morning?

water.

7. Who's your fav model?

Natalie Vodianova

8. Do you take painkillers?

Infrequently.

9. Do you have A.D.D[attention deficit disorder]

haha no, i don't give a damn.

10. Name 2 thoughts at this exact moment.

I'm still sleepy& i've to bathe soon.

11. Last movie watched?

underdog.

12. Current worry?

my future, future& future.

13. Cutest thing in 24 hours?

Dan: yay! My lockpick works.

14. Fav colors?

brown, white

15. What do you fear was going to get you at night as a child?

Darkness.

16. Current cravings?

Don't have any now.

17. Best bed sheet as a child?

can't remember any.

18. Worst injury treated?

stiches under my lip.

19. Who is your loudest friend?

DONNA.

20. Who is your most silent friend?

me.

21. Do you like anyone now?

Love.

22. Do you wish on a shooting star?

never seen one.

23. What is your fav book?

Echoes by Danielle Steel.

24. Fav candy?

marshmellows?

25. What song do you want to play at your wedding?

Iris- goo goo dolls.

26. What song do you want played at your funeral?

Cradle of filth[metal] haha.

27. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?

uhm yes.

28. Is sex best afternoon, morning or night?

i guess early morning:]

29. Pork beef or chicken?

Fish?

30. Stove top cooking or microwave?

microwave.

If you were to die, what kind of spirit do you think you'll come back as? I think i'll come back as a devious one. Yes, i know me.

I very well know not to divulge my plans yet when my mom says we're going philipiness. And due to unforeseen circumstances my trip is cancelled but my sister& her is going. My mom(guilty) start with her "nursing profession" & then didn't get irate when she saw i wore her pajami. Then a few mins later she blames us for shirking our responsibilities, thus, these happens.

Anyways i feel so un-empty on wednesdays, thursdays, saturdays. If i have nothing on, frontage takes over. But i usually do which makes me a busy person for an 18 year old. It's the right way right, they say that we gotta live our life to the fullest every second. So... i am. Also, it makes me wrap myself thicker& thicker from the future. Like using more foils over the plates repeatedly knowing your food is protected from the contaminated air. Thou during the process i'm coated with suger floss lovingly by my bf. I now decided life depends on slight happy satisfaction to make you not fall off the table. Have to go! Bye!

It's in between the spaces.

On the cellphone one night;;
Genevieve: Remember what's our very first movie we watched?
Daniel: mm wait uh...

Silent for approximatly 2 mins& then i laughed out loud.

Genevieve: you don't remember do you?
Daniel: i'm still thinking... do you remember?
Genevieve guilty: Aww... hee i'm trying to revive it but can't.

'It' means Memories. They aren't stored in the heart or the head or even the soul, if you ask me, but in the spaces between any given two people. At least we remember the location of the threatre.

17/9/07

Some days you just wake up and want to lie in bed all day long,
just be alone. Watch re-runs of the O.C
&wish you had lives like them,

but you know that that's not real. But for that moment, you want to believe

it all is, the luxury in the mansion, college applications.
And honestly, that's all that matters,

just believing.
Sometimes we forget what it's like to just pretend, we're so caught up with

everything in our own lives
we don't have any time to dream.

You can't exist in a world without leaving a piece of yourself behind. There are concrete cal de sacs, like credit card receipts& appointment registrations, or promises created with others. When i delve into my previous previous background, i see the few of us kids, playing& owning lands unofficially. The grass was greener before.

Right now, most of us have avalanche of trepidation mixed with temptations of explorations. Tell me, what do when you have everyone loose at your fingers& a capsule of frightening propositions yet to open? So i came to bayshore recently& today. The place where some of us' roots once were& always will. Anyways i'm at belle's crib for slumbering& we spent the whole noon eating, walking relaxing including a teensy boring juncture that goes something like this-

Me: Why is that guard doing near the rubbish chute?
Belle: mmm maybe he's checking the bin for dead bodies.
Me: (So I thought gory movies played a great part)

Then we hung at the 33th storey(i had hard time looking down down). The sunset was just beautiful. I never knew in this country i can be still fall out of grace with the world. The sky was just beautiful. Have i mentioned that already? okay... Soni believes i can manipuate people easily with my "innocent" face. You know like the spanish cat in Shrek. I didn't know. Haha.

where it leads...

Pink i can't believe i chose pink.

there's no frugal person in me that i can suspect. I rather laugh my ass off than comtempleting on fundimental issues of niggles. Especially today, movies with my younger brother;; ra-ta-too-ee. Okay so i'm happy i spent more time transcend to any other months with my siblings after the inital outing. I actually rid the shyness out of them. Most of it, which is good cause i rarely see them. Well... let's say certain minor circumstances are to blame for this sparodic separation.

Just i heard from my grandma(she updates me with all the news) to beware of poisonous toys made from china. Not that i am surprise as asummingly thought they are doing it for income no matter the materials are what what. But... no. So, Soreloser & another band which i forgotten the name are performing this Sat& i'll be going. I saw few of them on the streets before before before& didn't know they were the ex-Pugjelly until one of my friends(forgot who) were screaming like an imbecile:]

I still feel this weird feeling i felt a week ago, vividly. The effects of being put to an unplanned calastrophobic test. I was in the cubicle on the gound floor ladies when all lights gave off. Leaving my skin feeling around the secluded space for my possessions& the door-lock. No accecptions to make me at ease even when there's like 10 people in the ladies too. I hurriedly cleanup& ran out. I saunted blanky initially forgotten where Dan said he'll be. Then i saw him;; back to safe harbour, wet eyes.

Old movie effect

Every 6weeks on a sat would be cartel day where my proportion of breakfast fits a sow. Then my Dad would minicky plan for lunch straight after. He reminds me of Fred from flintstones. He has the exact body of a character in bedrock haha. Anyways i suppose satisfaction for me comes from getting the books i yearn. So happily my Dad has made me now that Willian Boyd's book lies newly on my lap.

According to me, i can assimilate cream peanut butter cus they aren't visible nuts. But Mommy thinks there's no contrary. Like "where such logic!" she'll rebuke me. At most being fractious would permitt a minor malady& that i had had a juncture of celestial? Okay I shall watch HSC2 now. Bye!

Digging my insides

I actually wanted to wear this white top to a friend's band performance when my mom said it looked ugly& so she gave me hers from paris. Unhonest enough i didn't reject to it. Don't be mistaken, it is nice but not comfy for the occassion. I always think i have no particular style& that i choose what i feel like wearing. So i went to the public ladies to change back into my ugly top.

I figured what i'll submerge into as an interest. The thing is, i hope i'll be succumb to this& i'll have to do it secretly. Anyways i too figured what messed me up. Regretfulness. I'll assumed rejection& unexisting second chances then i run. A short situation ytd vacate all these doubts which supposedly made me angry.

Sometimes the prettiest things i don't know how to draft. Descriptions just go blank in my mind but the hidden smiles are there. At one point of time i can predict his un-swerving love just by a light peck from him or a closely resting position we sit by. In the end i rather keep those thoughts than write about it. It feels more precious.

What the eyes don't see

I realise Dan& me has this habit. Good habit. We create all sorts of nonsencical words& starts naming each other with them. But i make better ones haha. We also has this routine where i'll summarize the novels i read& tell it with him. Then wowing at the layered description all together written. Lastly he dares me to play worms with him in his psp. In the end i won hee...

I feel girders in my tighs. The reason: two hrs of calorie burning with Dan ytd. I'll be fattened with dread if you ask me walk a few feet. Anyways Mommy signed me for a membership in a country club which i have no idea where. But yay. I'll be looking forward to luxury. Recently, she's becoming more generous. Cooking twice in a week& borrowing me her jacket, not to mention paying for my once in a lifetime necessities. Also she's becoming more old fashioned. Me: "mommy! why u buy such old hokkien songs?" Mommy: "Ey it's nice! you don't know a thing." (next min she plays it loud and sitting wide eye at opera faces on stage)

Chinese. This language reminds me of my past, where i'll speak chinese every-day. Can you imagine? Me talking that& i hate it. Me. Saying my feelings in that. It gets my tongue roll in difficult directions. This chinese song played in the middle of my book reading& reminded me of before. How guilty i was to abruptly stop contacting them. If you know me you'll understand. So in the end i spoke to the brother. Am adrift from their grip. Not like before& i'm glad.

You're Beautiful, pretty... melifluous.

Me: Gosh i'm tearing cus of a book.
Aunt Betty: Aw life is sad already why read sad stories still?
me: true...

& i thot reading ppl's life will make me feel better bout mine.

i saw this pretty ring with initial "love" on it& i wanted to get two of it but thot better. Recap of the familiar consequences. Aww i'm getting double eyes tml. i have it framed chilli& pointy, lengthens my round face. Anyways tml i'm back at work at Clarke Quay& i realise the hours are gonna past slow. Oh... must... bring... dvds... Darn i still can't decide if i should get a real diary. Like real-i will pen everything down. I tried having to start on one b4 but after the first 2 entries, it became my notebook/missing pages. In the end, i think i'll get& then blithely force to myself to scrawl. So i'm into model photography, everyone is becoming skinner& everyone isn't satisfied with what they are. Its the underlying statement. Anyways i want more lingeries clothes& bags. But it won't make me any happier if i got them.

vague rememberence

you are at turning point, my dear. what is it that you intend to do with all this bitterness i ask you?

Ello! computer was busted& i couldn't blog which is bad. I shall start drafting my modicum of privacy. I met my childhoodies recently. Aww how much i missed them. We could always migitate clastrophes& talk as if the word 'grotesque' doesn't exist. Anyways i better stop on frieds, Grandma's yelling in chinese; "You know your body can't take heaty food so stop!" Okay so i got to meet Dan ytd for a few hours out of our bz lives. He's aiming for motor licence. Glad he's griped onto one of his dreams. This week has one of the days that would be marked "special". Mommy talked to me about my stepdad. My talking button has been set mute for him since months ago. So she said i should understand his rude character& way of expressing he cares.

Mommy: you know he even insult me once that my brain is fuck-up!
Me: smiles* i still won't speak to him. not yet.

Anyways my dog has the best wake-up call. She'll scratch my door which can last for bout 3hrs until we let her in. & i'm not planning to after going through a room crisis. My room has reached a factitious level of pleasure after i spent my morning spring cleaning. But the tidiness will soon disappear very soon cause of. The big sister. Okay so next mon to sat i'll be working. Right now i'm nursing my dreading emotion. i need an interest.

I realise i'm not putting any quotes on blogger anymore. so here's one.

Never think your nothing.
Never cry at night because you're not pretty enough.
Never tell yourself you'll never be good enough.
because to someone, you're everything.
To someone, your gorgeous.
To someone, you are the world.

I had my huge share of lays& chocolate festooned with nuts&& to movie with baby today. i never felt so clear with abit of fawn. Despite my having crispies in my throat in the mornings& allergies to nuts. Oh.. i'm in purgatory now. I came across a deafening silence that cannot block out the pictographic darkness. For reasons i can't put to words, i made sure i nae lose my composure. If i do, it'll burn me with future regrets. But still, i felt like an audience during our mesh act. "we shall start over. okay?" i nod. Even if i've not said it, when i said i don't want him here. i actually do.

You take care of your own soul.

i'm intrigued by darkness, the painful territory you'll lie in and create a mark inside you forever when unlucky events tore you apart. I remembered what my shrink told me, you'll be remindered by it once in awhile even though you stepped out of the darkness. You'll still be shackled at the mouth of the cave. To choose between my own labyrinth or my second label- sunshine, i'll rather carry the facade of sun. Because the light paints the beautiful people you lived for& had moulded you into you. My everydays are so lovely now. It's like the path of innocence that i started all over again. Burt i realised it also makes me afraid that God will take away that bliss from you cause you finshed deserving it. But that very someone who lit every streetlights for me to stroll the beautiful different path from the old ones, made this walk more precious than to judge life. I'll say okay the fear get hits by keeping faith.