Hey people. This will be the last post of Genevievelua.blogspot.com. Thank you for reading:}

You know, it's been said that we just don't recognize the significant moments in our lives when they're happening, that we grow complacent with ideas or things or people, and we take them for granted, and it's usually not until that thing is being taken from you, that you realize how wrong you've been, that you realize how much you really need it, how much you love it.

Me and my bow:]

not simple.

I just can't believe people can be so nice. I always look for the black hole hiding in their souls.. even if there isn't. Why is that? This is so annoying.

Surveyy!
Have you ever seen the movie little miss sunshine?
Yes yes!

ever had a crush on someone you stayed up all night thinking about them?
yeah..

ever meet someone online and then met them in real life?
yeah..

do you talk to people that you don't know when you are out and about?
Nope i'm pretty quiet.

favorite number?
Hate numbers.

do you have a magic 8 ball?
Did.

how long does it take for you to dress up?
2 hours?:p

do you play any instruments?
a lil here and there

have you ever flown on an airplane?
duh..

ever had a friend with benefits?
How could someone define that on a human?

last person you kissed?
Daniel.

are you wearing perfume?
now no.

ever been to a concert?
quite a number

ever had a dream then a few days it came true?
?

what is your favorite quote?
lying is the most fun a girl can have without having to take her clothes off

how many piercings do you have?
just 3:]

how about tattoos?
2:]

do you want any more of either?
tattoos.

favorite kind of candy?
only marshmellows

favorite color?
White

ever been in a car wreck?
no.....

ridden a rollercoaster?
yeah..

have you ever been up in the eiffel tower?
no:[

favorite fruit?
All i guess

if you could know when you would die would you want to know?
yes.

"Hy baby boy,
I think i'm having insomia.
I think you could be right, i'm illusioning".
I finally created an animation. Its below;]
I'll be shifting by the end of Oct:]

Today

Everytime something wrong happens, the temperature around me seems to be reaching a frost point.. and i've to scrouge my hand through my messed up clothes for a jacket.

I should really stop complaining about myself. Eating. Not eating. Eating. Not eating. Eating. Not eating. I think i blew my diet too cause it feels like my gastric reflux is acting again.

I never like using a bookmark. I prefer to fold a small portion of the edge to mark my pace.

The remote control crashed to the ground.. wahhhh.. its the most annoying sound ever.

Do you believe in Aliens? In history channel, it documented a couple being abducted by aliens. With the flying saucer and the light-bulb face.

I wish there were more happy secrets.

With just one click, it all ended.

I recollected on this particular day, that on the long destination to home, i understood what my state was. That is, i was most intensely aware of all the aspects of life surrounding me, and yet of feeling neither part of it nor truly separated from it. Somehow impartial, unattached- an observer. Yet sentient of it all. Very sentient, in fact. Surely this might seem familiar to you too? And always, there's a burning impatience for the next thing to announce itself.

When i was gone, lays gently on my desk, pages raw from flipping. Its my current treasure.. Really. I picked out the right genre;; literature after an hour& a quarter of contemplation in the cold place. I can go all day at the book store. But i never really thought of working in one. I would probably be the grass in a forest.

I finally found what i want as my baptism name. Genevieve Collette!

"Things

are

beautiful

if

you

love

them."

Carebears are also only in fairytales.

"Whatever talents I possess may suddenly diminish or suddenly increase. I can with ease become an ordinary imbecile. I may be one now. But it doesn't do to upset one's own vanity." (to those capable of relinquishing my pride)

I had a wonderful afternoon nap yesterday, though i have to admit i still feel terrible. Work hadn't been friendly and house chores piling up. I guess when a child grows up, no one around is a carebear anymore. I'm not good at doing things when i'm drugged. I was told to hang 2 dresses up high which after countless attempts, i managed to. I, can be a good housewife. When i suddenly found myself in a situation. "OH O.. (clank clonk...............) O DEAR GOD.. i prayed the hanger carrier didn't fall on someone's head." So it slipped off my hand. I froze& conjured my ears for a brawl. Nothing. Thank goodness. Mom: Its just a simple task and now what do we do with the remaining clothes? I went to search for it 10 mins later. Well i've recovered its place but you know cheap plastic breaks easily.. So my mom had to get it replaced.

Every friday class makes me happy. I've to write a review for a movie: Problem child, before this friday. Have you watch it? its a really old movie.. speaking of films, Dan came over my place to watch Indiana Jones2. I think its good though i fell bed bottom a lil here and there.. Love the vintage angle.. I'm into vintage lately.. So this friday the guys are having a drive around somewhere new.. Probably hit the country club.. Any cool places for a perfect hang out?

The human heart has hidden treasures,

in secret kept, in silence sealed:

the thoughts, the hopes,

the dreams, the pleasures,

whose charms will be broken if revealed.

I got my foot pierced

by a Hello kitty stud:[

"Art is imagination that breathe and meanings that burn." I have decided to crank out an illustration for my next tattoo. My fingers are itching for obedience and my sketch book yearns for graphite spilled from pencils. There are moments, above all on June evenings, when the sea that hold our moons are sucked into the earth and nothing is left but memories and the touch of a hand. So its another one week for my memory box to be set definite. I guess i'll miss the lovely darlings. One of the mommy actually adorned an appreciation card& bought a disney pillow for me.. Really touching.. There's this picture of her son, Aden in it.. and pretty ornaments he helped to "glue" it on. Was really touched.. Can't really describe the nostalgic feeling. I just hope to stay in touch with the both of them. Time is starting to bother me, i cranked out a conclusion that i've to begin weighing my options on another job.. Its back to one again.. farewell present.

Peanuut Buutterr

.. are wonderful.

In addition to my desire for food& emotional therapy i also long for:
-Bed
-leisure time
-2 hours of study everyday
-friends
-Dan (adding him to this list because I know everyone reading this is expects him to be on it, and he does deserve his place on it)
-Toy Machines
- Next paycheck. Like now.

"Love makes you grin like a cheshire cat.
Love puddles your face."

I've finally found my flaw. Un-forceful. Most of my life has been ruled by indecision, and i'm grateful when fate intercedes, relieving me from choice and responsibilities for my actions. How do you edit this part of your soul? What is one flaw that affects you deeply?

Ps: love love Peanut butter

School.

Dan: Did you ask for any of your classmate's phone number?
Me: No. Must i?
Dan: Yeah just in case you can't find your lecture room or the dates of tests
Me: Oh o i din. But still i won't ask. I've never ask.
Dan: BUT STILL..

First day of school was fun. I slipped slightly off awhile but its was fun. I felt like spagetti ryte before i push the lecture room door open. Was it too early to be incessantly trapidated? Nope. 2 years since my separation with textbooks& whiteboards. Whatever i just typed makes perfect sense to me. Next class to-bring list: Any one piece of print media. This i lame i know. But i'm forgetful.. i myte forget still. Wahhh... i dun want to move my ass to work tml. I'm at work everyday. Yes everyday. My body, needs rest. Ok, so I'm the type of person who can get by with very little sleep. But I haven't been this tired in awhile so I'm trying to go to bed BEFORE MIDNYTE. I'm cashless too. Thanks to cheap Utopia batik tops.

Like

Kim: Having a crisis are we?
Michael: Do I look like I'm having a crisis?
Kim: Everyone I know is having a crisis. I know you're not supposed to get them until midlife but I think something's happening to our metabolism
Michael: Our metabolism?
Kim: [nods] Yeah, I mean the world is moving so fast now, we are all chasing something so fast that we start freaking out long before our parents did. Feel my heart.
[puts his hand in her chest]
Kim: Feel how fast it is?
Michael: ...that's a fast heart.
Kim: ‘Cause we don't ever stop to breathe anymore...
[takes his hand off her chest]
Kim: You gotta remember to breathe or you'll die.

Stephen: Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn't mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts.



"I like how everything looks when the sky bawl."

"I'm into flowers lately."

"When i die.. i want to be enclosed with my porcelein dolls, be as white as phosphorous& have hair lengthed below my breasts."

"I like peeping at people's faces at the movies."

"I eat ice cream in cold weather."


I want to know your deathwish. "When i die... "

"Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off"

I think i'm with hypochondria. I keep poking at my abdomen. But well.. it hurts like its self-twisting some organs inside.. so i'm going back to the doctor again tml for the 3rd time this 2 weeks:] Crossed fingers* I hope its ntg. Today i wanted to do a little hello kitty shopping.. I wanted to buy the doll. Its really cute.. with the tutu& all. Anyways Rard& i talked about tattoos. I might get more, just small ones. Soon i guess..

What's your most fav quote?

D: Okay if i shout at you will you get angry?
Me: No I'll fly away like a bird.

Home on the weekends

Jonne: how are you?
Me: Like there's a monster clawing at my throat like my eyes are glued& i need a wild boar to chase me.

Last few days i've been sickly. Its not fever.. I don't get hot. I never did since i was 14? But its the throat so i visited the doctor earlier this morning& well i spent $80.. so shitty.. I'm down with gastric reflux that could alter my life forever. Really i meant forever. I had it once before& i believed it won't come back again but i was wrong. No milk, coffee, fruit juice, pepper, chilli, late nights, supper, skipping meals or anxiety. I'm unhappy at work.. My manager even wanted the details of my malady today. But as my boy said, work is ending in June& i won't see them again. Right, everyone comes& goes. I will be moving once more sometime this year. I think i 'll need a new bed& covers. Coco's fur is terrorizing every surface. I shouldn't take anything seriously anymore. Who wants to be serious anyways. Life is too short. You wouldn't know what happens next. Like the cutest stray cat on Earth that i named Butter clawed at my hand last nyte>.< My cat wounds swelled within a minute so Dan brought me straight to the Mama shop for primitive first aid. Which is detol first to ugly plaster. I'm gettin a hello kitty one later.

Current fave song: Today's the day by Aimee Mann.

What's yours?

"no one is free, even the birds are chained to the sky."

I did something new yesterday. It was nice of him to bring me. I realised how much i have been missing.

Prayers tonight.

Diary;; A personal record of occurrences, experiences, and reflections kept on a regular basis.

I keep my brain out of reality. Always surrounding than be in it.. as if it is an envelop of a letter. I twisted the law of pen. Mystery.. as some said. On this day, i do not know how to pick up phallic quotes.. poems to describe the floating platitudes.

It was like a déjà vu but she was on the line and i dreamingly walked closely. We were trying to find the library. Then my ears jumped on my mother's note. $60 000 by this week. I peeped at her eyes. Shiny.. Like a marble. I've told my lawyer i can't get that much.. it was unfair that everything was placed under my name& now i have to bear everything. I do not even have a permenant house. Its not that i don't want to pay you But that i can't.. Do you remember the time when you were worried your seeker would find you as you hide on the pipes of the carpark? Dear Lord, i pray they won't find us.

All day i remembered my hiding place. It was the best place. No one found me. As my mom and i walked, torturing words linked its hands with us. They took the house, $250 000 of deposit that belongs to my grandmama but it weren't enough. For 7 yrs i've paid by instalment.. it can never clear so now they want the whole. Mommy didn't want to tell you because there is nothing you can do. I really feel like giving up all. My heart fell like a broken elevator. Please keep this to yourself at home.

--

I want a white oleander tattooed below the one "bare", I want another word;; faith on my foot, i want hours to scroll by shelves of literature books. You read for refuge. One book provides a free ticket to live the lives of many characters. If you're emotionless, which would you choose?

You're such a sensitive child.
I know you're tired but it's alright
You're gonna have your day in the sun
you know god loves the sensitive ones.

I am trying to re-introduce myself to the world.. I can't figure what it is about me that says i need to pencil a line with humans. Or that at least get their favourite song/movie/book ecetera. Or that i shall secretly pluck beneficial lines from someone else. Kidding.. I won't regret what my mouth doesn't brings me. Just work on Wednesday wring this thought.

I think i've finally cried too hard. Cause my same elbow knocked the walls twice. That juncture, i could just hear a nail under a working hammer. The same night my mom prepared her annual specialty.. Mee robus. Yum! I got her buttercup cake. Happy mother's day.

Gold smudge of light with dust dancing within it reached into God's house. It splashed onto my right cheek.. down to my body that is bare. Tranquility.. i felt.. like you landed on pillows from the blank above. Lovely.

Here's me dancing. hahahah. Anyway what's your biggest pet peeve?

Its been a week& now i'm back at my Dad's. Well i still only got to see him for an hour.. Played a bit of puzzle games with my brothers. Missed them so much. Today was eventful.. I think i should bury my cell somewhere.. Work was hectic always.. I got a call bout the cheque on my school fees being returned. Its the signature>,< Going Douby tml just to give a new one.. Anyway My blog is dying.. so here's a lil color;] I quite like the pictures.

I won it at the toy machine today.

XO.
Taken by Daniel.
The coffee-maker was cool.

I must be imagining things.
I should sleep more.
No dizzy spells or monsters clawing at my throat.

In other news, i just got back from St Pat's which the day of recollection was held. I can't wait for next april.. So i'm afraid of the heat. I feel like melted tomatoes on a pizza. I pray for an imminent dew point. Last night i had one of the bad sleeps again.. so shitty.. i got my cure in the morning & am excused of work. Yay. Only a few more weeks to another job, i hope i'll get one in Newman or related ones. I might set up a page of idiosyncratic writes.. base must be white.

Sleeping time.

What's in your bag?

I carry tons of things i don't use at all.

Its my fault i forgotten every pattern in the house.
Its my fault i missed the parts where they grow up.

Its my fault i never go back.

i'm into phone charms lately. Even hello kitty ones or any Sanrio products. I have a bout 5 hanging on my cell& i loveee it though i get slapped on the side of my face. Anyways i want to spend another 1/4 of the day watching Iron Man. I nae fancy modern technology but Butter fingers spins me. So what is your type of superhero?

Today while i was at work, i picture myself picking all the heavy structures& releasing it into the open space. & All i heard was the symphonic of Moonlight Sonata mixed with the tacit crashing of wood. Beautiful isn't it.

coffee for loners

* says:
And I won't call you selfish.
* says:
I say you're scared to allow people in so deep.
* says:
Because you experienced the pain at a young age. It scarred you.

I can't stop eating. After my finger's last dip of Amos's cookies i exposed my limbs to note the expanded inches. Difference. There is. So.. i'm gonna drink more coffee.

My mind is slippery. I can't find a song or book to motivate me. So i decided to go to a rental store to introduce myself some friction. I found the perfect movies. Atonement, Trade& Mr Magorium's wonder emporium. Wazouski. Hee that just came at random, many times today.

I'm a bit annoyed at myself for spending my last few hours on idiosyncratic writes online while i could have been in bed or drafting about my encounters with humans or how beautiful fallen ice cream bleeds in the rain. Anyway to my special, thank you for being the flower in an empty room.

Ps to Lolli-mellow: No sleeping pills, or even death in your eyes.

Night ramblings

-I can never decide anything.

-There's too much i want to do in life it makes me hard to compromise.

-In this twisted story I call my life, I play the character of the neurotic girl attempting to achieve her dreams and be Mother Theresa at the same time.

-I am currently obsessed with the song the city is at war by Cobra Starship.

-Some of the words i like are Bare, Floozy, Wazowski, and Really

-I enjoy watching the discovery channel and national geographic

-It makes me satisfied to wear matching lingeries.

-Three things i can't live without;; Writing, God, Novels& my night pillow.

-I like to ponder simple questions like why is this this? And this causes me to sit or lay for long periods of time thinking about people, in addition to the countless other topics that occupy my mind.

-I stop eating much for every 3 weeks in a month.

-I like screaming in the car with the windows wind down.

This is senseless entry. Again nothing makes sense after midnyte.

Beatles' fans ( A must watch)

If you believe

Sometimes i feel like i'm one of the stars rather than the audience
There i observe every wrap of skin around every soul
I would think, there must be someone stanger& more powerful than us.
If not, there won't be a slightest sound of movement
Like who created this burning circle that mirrors a star?

Ps: stay away from me or you'll get burn.

The trees of today's rebirth is so tall& hollow.
Like a land of helloween.
Who left me here?
I'm my white dress& cream shoes and hair soaked from dew.
No flowers. No Sun. No friendly creatures.
Lord, where do i go from here
there, lays the hand-written directory i can't define.
Its like a twice-canceled postage stamp.
But i think it says, this point is just my aquaintance.

yay.

'The lamp of the body is the eye. It follows that if your eye is sound, your whole body will be filled with light. But if your eye is diseased, your whole body will be all darkness. If then, then light inside you is darkness, what darkness that will be.'

I shall ration carefully my imminent stock of money before it dwindles. I picture branches of a tree that narrows to the list of to do things. Messy, occupied& consequences miserable as a mule but.. fullfilling. So upon church& work, i will be starting school. Yay. I thought of squeezing in Piano classes. I guess I'm just trying to fly without wings.

I'm floating slightly above rock bottom cause i have the largest need in the universe to empty pointless fats from my body but they just won't leave from hiding out under my skin. The pool seems extra friendly tonyte. I shall take full advantage of it soon.

Mood: Easy.
Song: Hollywood undead- Kids.
Who created this entry: My darling YL.

Aim: lose more pounds.

The sound of the piano, if its muted, the thud of the keys against the polished wood composed no music but.. there's rhythm. Yes. It still lingers. Thud. Thud. Thud. A novice would create a foreign path on the milky white spruce but can't replay it after the first stroll. Like humans that can never go back from their current destination.

"I like to look for things no one catches. I hate the way nobody notice the missing petals of a flower in movies."

"Its better to help people than make up"

"I always create images of every swallowed dictionary words cause i'm not clever."

"God does not favour, he does not leave."

"I seek solitude. I amuse myself with silly questions wherever i go, such as "How would my phantom child look like with this man, or what if my Mother has Michelle Pfeiffer's features?" "

"Aneroxic is beautiful."

"You musn't touch me although i like the feeling."

"Sometimes i'm closer than your skin. Sometimes i'm further than the moon."

Stranger but God.

They say that there are moments that open up your life like a walnut cracked, that change your point of view so that you never look at things the same way again. - Keeping Faith by Jodi Picoult

My mind has been printed with quotes& prayers. Don't go.

Every other human in my brain asked, why i started out in the end& worked back to the beginning, the reason was simple, i can't understand the beginning until i reached the end. There were too many pieces of the puzzle missing, too much you could never tell. And the end is like road signs on a foreign highway.. the correct one unrecognisable. But a popular stranger tells me.. kept telling me, just float. I could try to predict the directions of the wind, i could contort a picture out of the clouds& nothing i see is ever as clear& sharp. But no. I would just indulge on nothing but float.. I do not worry if the sun burns out my ground or if the human condition of lonely hits back home. how do i express the being with that stranger is my only form of sanctuary after 19 years?

Ps: Stranger but God.

i've a number of questions about destination. But only for my ears to hear& the people for comfort. But the words of a friend; "Why shall you stop? don't bury your feet on the quicksand ground" makes my fragile platitudes stung on armor.

Anyway here's a part i like.

"CLOSER.
"I'm not a thief, Alice."

Eden is a garden,
Ember is a seed.

"Just take my picture."

You want a Sharpie?
It's retractable - like your dick,

You'll read this later,
I'm in love with you.
Not the IDEA of you - I'm in love with you,
It's a strong bond, you and I.

It scares me.
The emotion.

I embrace it,
I'll keep embracing it -

Embrace.
Emb(er) ?

"Language is a virus."
"Language is a lie."

Language is a funny thing."

Starwars and gumdrops

Starwars& gumdrops.

12.26a.m, i'm having breakfast with my shadow. Mom's knocked out in bed. As it is her rebirth of annual birthdays. Okay back to my subject. We had quite a discussion. Can you fall in love with the things you only felt, the things you never seen? We contructed it from Virgin Territory. Have you watched it? Its a sex commedy. Although i feel the title doesn't go well with the story. I still like the production;] Its like that kind of movie, you know The Thumbsucker or Juno?Anyway Hayden Christensen starred in it. I'm going goo-goo over him. Dan gives me 1 week. That reminds me of my new R2-D2 tee from Junk Food. It's promoting space gumdrops.

1:16a.m

I heard the sound of keys. They're home. My ears directed focus on their motion of footsteps to sense the mood. A pair of feet.. heavy ones staggering further inside then.. another. But messy this time as if the floor has major distractions. The giant's footsteps rushed out again. Then it seems like tap dancing was reviewed& it is that again. I remained where i am at that time. Because of its uncountable frequency or that the drunk cannot be communicated. I usually pretend its a normalcy. I'm good at pretending. My appearence would concentrate on whatever i was doing. But today, deep inside me, unlocked doors& windows. I saw through teary eyes how my Mom reminded me of the letter 'S'. Also like a lonely dandelion stuck within a minor tornado. I didn't question but i walked away. There was so much to assimilate today.. I imagined destinating myself on a charcoal-colored concrete to Land of notfoundoutyet.. without the word love.

Summary

Reflection: & in that moment, I was searching for someone. I felt them at my fingertips, I tasted them at the tip of my tongue. They had told me the place i would find them. The careful steps my feet itself would lead. The answer, was their name. But, they had never told me what they would be wearing, nor what they looked like. So, how would I ever find them? I keep searching for a certain type of purpose to my life, but all I can find are deserted streets and half empty hearts. I dream of purpose. Whether it sounds childish or not, I wish for it. I can't make my own purpose out of thin air, can I? I think that would be impossible. Am I right? I don't know anymore. I feel as if every word I speak is one hundred and ten percent incorrect. People are rolling their eyes at me.

Me: Dear heavenly father, I gave up on searching.

Ps: Okay Annika's being emo. she'll be better after FHFIF is in her Nintendo. But now.. Pens or brushes?

Droopy monster green.



Ps: I'll be back to work on Monday.

I found the light on gravity

8. 20p.m, blogging backwards.

My day went annoyingly eventful. I had to cancel my music class before paying my second visit to the doctor this week. Which means missing Easter celebration at church for the next 2 daysO____O But i indulged mysef happy when i bought a sea blue bag& a pair of sliver gold earrings from Casa Vinks near the clinic. The sales girl did a terrible job which made me wanna jump at her chest with a popsicle stick but i told myself "keep cool, a hippie shop don't need a girl like you."

I believed God decided it is time. Time to slowly uncover my stash of empty feelings like an origami unfolding itself.-Wednesday summary

After being led word by word from verse 2:23:38 by a chosen reader like a shephard leading its lambs, (which i tried very hard to memorize the biblical names but they didn't mark its land)-We each received a paper. A white paper tattooed with harmless& unobstrusive letters of black ink. I always believed words are like bullets. Words that are verbal, not pened. But i was mentally marked crossed. The first 2 questions i read printed itself faintly in my imagination became violently disrupted by intoxicating nostalgia. My mind just went blank.

My very first Catholic class was very communtive. There is Teresa.. Anita.. Jenny.. Alvin.. Victor.. Edmund.. Cheryl.. Cecilia.. Denny.. James.. sorry i was caught up with myself. Well i got to remember their names. I had examined each of them a fair share of one min. Frankly, I tend to stare holes in a man. I like analysing people's profile, trying to know what formed their moods. Anyway everyone was really welcoming. Aww yes, not forgetting Spotty, the Jet Russel. He's just as big as fat Coco. Okay time for rest. Bye!

Ps; Its always sunny when he is around <333

Heartstopper

Number tree still on my plate
I heard the trains are running late
And I laugh out loud
My life is a mess..
I have gone too far.. In my lifelessness

13/3, not feeling good

The evening wind was as bitter as a scorned woman and just as dirty tempered. My quarter family was out for an expensive giant's meal. I wanted to be a stubborn brat at the hotel room. Cause i had reluctantly ate TOO much since my nose breathed China. Now i know genuflecting a reunion means 30 dishes a day.

The trees are bare& shivering from the wind. I deduced the weather wovers about 15 degrees over? Everyone here wears skin-covered materials until the imminent rebirth of spring. Have i told you, the fruits here are terribly good. Like those perfect ones from Disney. But that mood was before my food phobia. Now everything is catagorized into the apple from Snow White. Speaking of which, i bought myself Disney lingeries. Well. I like feeling cute at times.

15/3,
The wings. The vanilla cotton candy clouds. I want to delay this observation longer. Every battery-operated clock reminded me of how close i'm back to my crumpled life. I imagined it like a worn paper floating nowhere on the contaminated sea. I don't know what to do, about what i feel. I need steps, i need reasonable, comprehensive steps. What is?

Here's some pictures i took from the trip;]

For 2.37a.m.

I will learn to let go what I cannot change. I will learn to forgive what I cannot change. I will learn to let go when I cannot change. I will learn to love when I cannot change. But I will change, I will change. Whatever I, whenever I can.

I still have my eye make-up on. I should just leave it. Well another hour to go.. miles away.

Ps;; Miss you thru the 8 days

Lavishly me.

5/3/08, a day after an almost perfect period. So it was my birthday& birthdays means cake, candles& wishing and at that annual candle moment, i felt all eyes on me, i felt a jumble of undefinable words like put-together ramnants of a family meal.. but i felt the plain truth. I have no wish. So i conjured one developed from my fear, the closest object i dug out from my conscious mind. Its considered one. Right? I'm not big on birthdays but every detail of this surprise celebration expanded my heart, expanded my tear glands, contracted my body. I was so happy& I am happy. I won't draft the details because i rather swallow the whole of it. Yes, even the presents. This is a partial profile of the 19yrs in this body. Anyway i'll be the last for this, Happy birthday to me, Genevieve;; white wave.

Thank you everyone who was there, heart or soul, you will remain there. ily all

"I feel so sour. Sour like a raw lemon on a bearing tree. Sour that when a tiny scare would make you weep."

Goldfrapp;; Happiness
Bishop Allen;; Click click click click
The A-sides;; Diamonds
Say hi to your mom;; these fangs
Rooney;; I'm a terrible person
Placebo;; Infra Red
The Jealous girlfriends;; Secret Identity

1. SOMETHING WHITE WITHIN 5 FEET OF YOU?
My pillow.

2. THE SEXIEST ITEM YOU OWN?
Gee.. I don't know. All of em?

3. YOUR NAILS WERE LAST PAINTED...?
Shimmering peach.

4. THE WORST THING YOU'VE EVER HEATED IN THE MICROWAVE:
Raw beef! (makes me go sour :s)

5. HOW MUCH CHINESE DO YOU KNOW?
A quarter.

6. DO YOU LOOK GOOD IN YELLOW?
Baby yellow one i do.

7. DO YOU SING?
Yes, in the shower.. to the bus stop..

8. WOULD YOU DANCE NAKED IN FRONT OF A CROWD?
If you knock me senseless.

9. DO YOU SPIT?
Why in God's name would a girl do that.

10. IS YOUR HAIR LONG ENOUGH TO CHEW ON?
Aw don't remind me bout LONG hair.

11. LEAST FAVORITE COLOR?
Purple.

12. EVER PLAYED AN INSTRUMENT?
I played guitar, piano& trombone. Ty very much.

13. DO YOU BELIEVE IN BIG FOOT?
Yea..

14. EVER BEEN TO A PALM READER?
Would like to.

15. DID YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND?
I forgotten what i did.

16. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW?
We the king's lyrics. They rock!

17. EVER HAD A BLACK EYE?
I'm anti-violent.

18. HOW IS TODAY GOING FOR YOU?
Sickly.

19. EVER TAKEN A PHOTO OF SOMETHING DEAD?
No!

20. WHO IS SEXY?
Bloo!

21. DO YOU HAVE PLANTS IN YOUR ROOM?
eh.. they'll die if i do.

22. IF YOU COULD DRINK ANYTHING RIGHT THIS SECOND WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Low fat milk.

23. WHAT DID YOU DO AT 9 PM LAST NYTE?
Met Dan for a movie.

24. WOULD YOU GIVE YOUR BF/GF A SECOND CHANCE IF THEY CHEATED ON YOU...?
I always will.

25. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU FOUND OUT YOUR BEST FRIEND WAS GAY?
I would support them.

Wich Care Bear Are You? (very long for accuracy) created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Share Bear You are Share bear. So go ahead and do what you do best. Share this quiz with a friend. Share Bear 83% Laugh-a-lot 67% Tenderheart Bear 58% Harmony Bear 58% Wish Bear 58% Funshine Bear 50% Friend Bear 50% Cheer Bear 50% Champ Bear 42% Love-a-lot Bear 25% Grumpy Bear 25% Do-Your-Best Bear 17% Bedtime Bear 17% Good Luck Bear 17%

26/2, Evening. Daniel with me.

- I don't care i want to adopt a dog. Or a cat for my birthday. I'll bring either which home on that day itself so they can't say anything.
- Why not a hamster?
- Nae.. all the hamsters i kept died after awhile.
- Aw okay, er.. that's nice to hear.

Today.
My life has many series of fast forwards. What i'm saying is, my mind tends to outdistance my size-five feet. I would, unconsiously, remove all sorts of impressive events until a sparodic reminder cues me to notice my gargantuan soul still straggling behind. Then i'll start to hammer my nerves for a particular oblivion. I should update my schedule book. Really. Really really really.
I hope.

When i glide smoothly above the mountains of my preferred paths, like an eagle, i must be careful not to stumble onto the rocky heights. A slight touch to one would estrangle me into reluctant emotions. My vision would, thus, contort into a messy passage-way instead. That's when the inital agenda would supress itself until it is suitable to reapproach the tiresome plans. I thought of my destination(un-literally). I think its an improvement. But i am trepidated too. Because of the what ifs& what is. No. I gotta stand tall.

-http://sliverofmylife.blogspot.com/, your read like imaginary God-play channelled Astrid Magnussen right back at my feet.

Berry in Foster's home

8.04p.m, still have a few hours to waste.

I could only remember a faint whisper seducing near the earrings through my lobes. And that was it. No after. No before. My body had unconsiously dissipate my mental version of dreams. So my left palm rubbed the bedsheet in repetitive motions feeling for my cell that acts as my dashboard clock. I have a habit of waking up at certain time to check how many hours of sleep i'm left with.

I could remember, it was 2a.m exactly and i had 3 text messages. I scanned through the plausible senders in my head& all was not what i roughly picked. The 3 came from the very same person. A person who never first-handedly text me at night. That person is my mother. Yes. A drunken one.

When i got home from work i chatted with my groggy mother;;
Me: what was the 3 imbecile messages about?
Mommy: huh? what messages? i didn't send any.
Me: You did. & they were each slightly different.
Mommy: Is it? what i say?
Me: You ask me or i assume Geri to help you take care of jak who's in camp now.
Mommy: I don't know. I was so high.
I know. I just like reminding ppl their acts of idiocy.

I bought myself another 2 novels one each from Karen Robards& NR's. SO darn happy. I also bought a simple gift for my mother. A bleeding tooth-shaped plate. Contented. I haven use any portion of my salary on her for quite awhile. Okay gonna go read now bye.

the sun in the rain

Up there, the sky, looks down at me and all I can do is stare back and ponder the meaning of life and creation." -ClownFaces.

Mood: Sleepy.
Music: Brit and Alex.

It dawned on me, that when someone's life lives in fear& corruption, i do not know how to show sympathy. I do not know how to use the human's general consensus of "i'm sorry". How do i explain why. My dear friend's mother might imminently relent to death so i pened down my version of comfort words through a gift. I thought these simple gestures are useless. It surely couldn't diminish the pain so heavy as granite& moldering. Right? *But i'm glad you like it Nat.

I strolled into shops& enjoyed my own company this evening. I like shopping alone. Shopping cheap i mean. I like to comtemplate& disqualify my choice of materials at my preferred stop. I settled for 2 undies, a butterfly designed bag& cereal(finally) with the entire hour. I'm planning to go on cereal diet by the way.

I didn't have my camera with me so this is all the pics that turned out okay.. Well. Tt's where i spent my first year anniversary with my man. We had sushi afterwards. Sushi is for lovers. Okay I remembered saying to him; "i wanna marry you." Is that normal? Shall update more soon. Bye!

the walking dreams

3.49a.m, Blogging backwards again.

I always knew my mother has a hidden store of pain. But i never noticed she is thinking of biding the world goodbye. Until her sliced tears rolled down in rough patterns, she speaks why. The mixture of un-pleasanties& the exhaled vapour of booze were flowing out of her mouth in leeway. I absorbed the entire story like pening down notes in science class. The main character was my sister. I don't know who she is anymore. I don't even want to know. But she was the monster in the story. We talked about every hurt in every bygones that we can remember. Even those days i couldn't fathom because it was like a white hole.

I too started talking. Talking about a deep dark secret she never knew. She hadn't known me. She hasn't before. My Dad didn't believed me when i complaint. That was why i relinquished the platitude of consulting in her. It took me a purposeful pause of comtemplation to allow myself to tell her. & i did. She soaked in every detail. I felt lighter to a feather. But the conversation disconcerted me still. Because my secret concerns the person i love very much& i do not really know who is the monster.

I am a creature of habit. Everytime i am destinating myself, i would inject music to my ears. I do not have an Mp3 like most of you. So its just my cell& me. Its a normalcy that i feel defenseless against many phantoms of me so i like picking out a few songs to promote my daze. But today became the contrary when Daniel bodied a comfort like a soft pillow that encourages sleep. So the neutral tranquility was perfect enough.

I shall pivot back to mins before okay? Right, i was asking Daniel a befuddled question. "what if i am like Holly in PS, i love you, that i could only find what i really really want at the age of 30 over? How am i to survive that long?" Daniel-"you shall take your time, have fun now even if you don't have the cash." I then had familiar intoxicating images of me travelling all around the world, taking up summer jobs& looking out for signs. Can i do that? It may be no from you but I've decided to hold that opinion.

I had a great evening in my other half's perspective. I have gluey marshmellows& 85% dark chocolate resting in the fridge due to the annual routine of a romantic.

Women has 175 personalities. Make her drunk and it'll all come out. - Faith, my wonderful lengthly acquaintance.

5.59p.m. Office.
Whenever my sister mentions her unfortunate days, i would inadverdently slip away from the moment. Like semi-conscious, and only capable of chewing in a short thread of words here& there. It is like a second nature to me now. Don't ask me why cause' i am unsure of that myself.

Okay before i bore you, i'll go back to my actual indication. So i just sat a few distance away from her assimilating what i can. I felt like an ice block.. letting the invisible wall partitioned us. I should have gone closer but i didn't. I was much too cold a person. But i am too, the type of girl who cries during a sappy movie or when i encounter a dead organism in the middle of the road. So am i a contrary to a ruthless being?

It was decidedly less than 5 mins that another scene unfolded itself. I was sleeping on my mom's bed& my sister in hers at another room. I started to picture our sisterhood in abstract, our hands slipping loose, our identities a black& white. With my hair travelling into the night we made a tacit peace to our past.

My childhood friend left for Australia last nyte; furthering her studies in University. I miss her. We had a promissory convention to see each other again. (Provided i live frugally for the entire year.) She& i, have a totally different profile. If you see us tgt, you will know why. But we clicked like magnet on a fridge. She has something in her so palpable that i felt like i could take it in my hand. Maybe that explains the connection.

I have about less than 10 more months of planning& a whole lot more pages of my novel to agape at. Its percuilar among my other collections;; Written by Natsuo Kirino.

I got Sean covey's national bestseller loose on my fingers. I thought of taking a wager, for an admission of destroying my befuddlement. Should i buy it? What if it doesn't fulfill this hole? Should i permitt myself to revenue neutral instead? I was 3 steps away to owning it.

After an hour of procrastination, I bought it. (Including various comments from the people around me.) It is currently indispensable like a personal journal. I did more nerdy-shopping too. This month's national geographic issue. Dough and clay for work. SO happy.

12.36 a.m, drafting backwards.

-I am pissed at myself. That my simple act of idiocy led to cappuccino splattered on every angle of my new books. In the cab. Where the driver divulged me in deep polictics to land recreation. When a Honda slapped a medium stretch of friction against the cab. Then the routine of bloke dismayed interaction occurred so that's when my starbucks sank to oblivion. Now i couldn't tear open my caffaine-glued pages.
I came from town. The foreign yet familiar destination. When was the last time? God. Like Trina said, we must hang-out more. Scrap that. Its the female comfort that wraps us in a never-ending circle.

Anyway, here's a question, Are you Girlfriend/Boyfriend centered? If you are, you're unattractive. Go figure.

when there's just me

I like how heated water minus away the glitters of coldness that encompassed me even in hot summers when i stripped down to nothing. It makes me feel warm inside out. Then i'll start to slide into another place, into a comfortable sanctuary. The words in my mind would formed like ants bringing food to their queen, becoming images& images more of an imagination than a memory.

Just a simple frustration over not getting some things right would un-consiously let the deep mind-grinding questions out and shatter my concentration into a thousand shards. I promised myself to begin researching on my plans. Pen them down like its imminent. But the normalcy of being confronted on the type of job i'll want just left me feeling lousy. Just lousy.

I scolded myself a dime a dozen, then and now. Maybe because all my life, i'm faced with questions i couldn't answer. So i lived with indecisiveness, tacitly. Watching my selfish world is my forte. Writing how i humanize it, i'm a novice but a desperate one. I adore the artistry of a writer's narrative. It distract me from everyone that hears their own, it makes me concentrate on my existence. So i decided to pause on just writing. For now.

Okay its 1.07a.m. I'm nocturnal when it comes to mind-reliving.

Tml, I must fill at least a partial of my starvation on infos. Anyhow i've been hogging on oranges& those annoyingly addictive tarts at every house we visited. But half the time i practically stuck my face in my book. Except for the last house i was baby-struck. Walking into my niece's bedroom makes you shrink to a child's body. The doll dresses. The keleidoscope of plastics toys. The soft vibes that jibes with tranquil frolicking with her. She's so cute. Also a double plus, my wallet is replenished and i'm eating a becon-egg croissant to celebrate. Happy new year everyone!

"Its the first time i didn't need a verbal promise from someone about a particular platitude, its like the inadvertent silence created this reassuring unspoken convention. And it makes my heart dance."

And if i'm quiet, i can hear my footsteps crunching up the leaves stuck to the floor. and all i want now is to keep on walking straight into something i could adore. and i'm not lonely, just getting back into the swing of things.

The truth

I have not since childhood, fill the pages of my prodigal diaries or journal, or written down my secret thoughts. It seems appropriate, since my childhood is so on my mind, to do so now. And to draft my present as i've been doing roughly a year, where Annika has always been hiding, from the future.

My mama, our mama, would go through odds to support us. When i say that. It means restarting life over once through from bankrupcy to average. She made it. Even with a despicable alternative that often disturbs us in the mornings when a lot of us has made it to dreamland. Fights, bawlings, throwing things everywhere. It doesn't take physical violence to actually plummet someone, i realise, but the why& how. To diffuse with all that, i consciously doubted her intentions because of our lack of recognition;; our click of connection.

At home. 3 a.m.
Me-"Mama, if i had a daughter, i would be right by her no matter she's right or wrong. Whatever situation, as long as a guy lay hands on her, he is wrong." I remember seeing my mama, portraying an intense, tearful profile when she knew what i believed was wrong. That my sister's crafted version was a lie. I don't know whom to believe. My breaking-down kin, or a mother i have the least clue about. Is this what you label a mixture of emotions? & during that juncture, the only person i hated i discovered was a good person. Not the person whom i picture beating my mom or anyone of us up. Is he moulding his actual ireful ways? What about the money he's been chasing at my mother? What about my sister's confessed platitudes? Goddam why the hell did i go find out something that pressures me at 4 a.m overish. why the hell i have always not know the truth?

Alright i'm late for work. Au'voir

"Some days just make me want to smile,
to laugh and not care about
the things that could be disturbing, or troublesome, or depressing
- if one thought about them...."

I figured i have just one aim, that i'm going to fight my ass of whatever i want. I need to be significant, and content if not happy. Although along the way the closest people would be the furthest in literal. I havn't really speculate my reasons to move move. But hours ago, on the available mobile to home, never failing, my iris dazed the moving scenary blindly& i thought of why i'm misplacing my soul in this country. Then i identified an unclear mental exclamation. That maybe i want a particular leeway for myself, from the unspoken pain at home. That maybe here is a cage of reluctant choices. That i yearn for serenity& self-accomplishment. For once i believe i can give myself that. Or rather i must. Either way i know i've to stand up by myself in this adulterated life. Although trepidation emanates from the lack of suficiency over there, it shouldn't be a cul de sac.

Ps: 'He' makes porridge the yummiest food ever.

Must be dreaming

Geri: "Don't you find it stress-free when he's gone?"
Me: (I nod). " Very Relieveddd.. "
Geri: " i needn't have anything to worry about."
Me: "same".

That substitude father of 12 years isn't home till tml& now its like a snow has cooled this place. For the time being anyway. Anyhow here's a feve song of mine above, will draft more when all is sunny. Having tummy horror& a juncture of puking. Okay BYEEE

Two lil black birds sitting on a tree
One named Annika, one named Geri
Fly away Annika, fly away Geri,
don't come back yet, until you're happy.

Smoke of stories of you, the wonderful mother. I always try to picture that than what i see throughout this life. But now i then chivalry assimilate the platitude that pain has made you something so easy to dissolve those memories.

Ps: It is not the recent dysfunction at home that created this post. It is not something that started with me. But it is the comfirming of reality, the avalanche of dirt that you cannot wash away no matter how hard you scrub.

Before you decide what you want to be, know when you want to be- Jodi's read, 'picture perfect'.

What if i said, bringing fantasies to life, mastering the ability of disembling& possessing another profile procreates this as the remaining you? That in truth, your soul is dead. Believingly, most people would verbally insert comfort& say: "You'll find yourself.. its not time yet" I tell that to myself too, if you didn't know.

That's when everyone decides i'm being frickle. And as time pases, i believed that too. Intercepting with that acception, i am wrapped with a mixture of frustration even when i began my first slow step to searching..

Afew days ago, Dan& me were at borders. He& i have different taste in books but he was there with me still. Most of the time. There should be more of him. How do i make do without him next time. Anyway i purchased 3 novels;; last on my list of Jodi's& the other two of Nora Roberts. Happy happy. Books are my favourite gifts to myself. Alryte i'm off blogger~ ciao

Its my turn for a change

I am going..
i am going..
i am going.. no bbuuttss

Even if my walking destination itself.


The curtain lips was torn apart& the faucet runs clear. 'They' glued it back shut& thread on a smile.
-Annika, in strange land.

Aparantly whatever on the plate seems obscene so eating is currently irrelevant. Not good. I'm negotiating soft solids to just liquidfied ones without lactose. Professional's advice. I'm nowhere appalled to drafting too. I couldn't see my paleness or jaded visibilty that Seth& a few friends pointed out. Anyhow I still had to conduct a class ytd even with my official paper;; unfit for 1 day of duty. I was irate& irate but it weren't obstruse enough to ridicule.

Dan sat by me for 3 hours as i slept. What would a tree survive on without its colour? Thank you for being there. ily. Anyway I got $50 from the director as to the transmitted malady at work. I met Tinee& Grapes the day b4. Its not from the food we ate i can comfirmed. So not guilty apon receiving the compensation.

I'm staggering through Anita Shreve's read. Her words are of poets& possibly could discard the meaning of pictures. Really. I am thinking of making her novel my companion;; Note her composed sentences strictly in useful juxtaposition. For an advantage to what i might choose to do next time. Okay I suppose i've exhausted my reverie. I think too much of it.

why do i waste so much time on blogger anyway? I would have love to indulge in the typical chinese tradition preparation- shopping for clothes. I got myself a pair of Eddy-Tie boots& baby phat jacket imported from America. And then my tummy reacted badly i exited to a cab. I figured i don't do much shopping so i won't blame anyone. Not Annika's or mine. That i know.

Inspiration

at some point, you have to make a decision.
boundaries don't keep people out - they fence you in.
life is messy. that's how we're made.
so, you can waste your life drawing lines, or, you can
live your life crossing them. but, there are some lines
that are way too dangerous to cross. here's what I know.
if you are willing to take the chance,
the view from the other side is spectacular.

luncheon

Met Dan for lunch today, Delifrance. I've a big hole in my head. The attributed weapon cannot be found. That piece of shit. Then came the tacit admission of discomfort cause of a conversation elusive of my plans. Not yet. I won't think bout it yet, or you'll make me cry. But there's more of him in this heart of mine.

Note to self;; The next step, visit Qualified Education Agent Counsellor:]

Wallow isn't in my system to my chagrin. Went through the faux version of India with Yi lei& Soni. We got our tummies full before sight-seeing. I ordered onions in flour, pretty south indian food but the wrong choice. I didn't like onions. I don't know why i got it. Does it happen to you?

So lunch with prodigal Genevieve didn't went yummilishes but i'm grateful to be having fun without the drudgery at work following me around like an ugly tail at the back. Meanwhile i've cemented my status as courageous& yet a coward by planning a getaway. Its a lot to prepare. I'm trying to fix as much during these few months. Till i'm ready. At least i'll have a friend there.

We had Henna done perfectly on our hands. Its sooo nice. Then it was ruin at different angles during the careless venturing-_____- But we got stuffs hand-made in India. God, that's both happy& depressing. This is a huge problem under my circumstances. I need that sum of money or i'll don't have the money. Its that simple. I'm trying to inject comfort to my straining nerves now. This is what i need. And more Gulab Jamun. Gf bought me one just now. SWEET.

Platitudes

"I'll like to climb a mountain one day, reach the top. Though it seems not plausible, i'll still like to try."

I treated myself to swiss frankfurter flat during lunchbreak. I wouldn't have propose spending $5 for high class sandwich but my mentally& physically pressuring work made me desperate for it. I was grateful. I sat alone whilst waiting for my order, only accompanied by my rented NR's novel. Perfect. The place. The period. The tranquility. The read. Perfect for distraction& oblivion. Damn perfect for me. There were no ramnants in my plate except for a piece of lettuce i dropped. I thought it seemed so unwanted.. Yet still healthy.

My besties came by my workplace for awhile. Ps: I always love their honest remarks. Yes. And them of course.

Its 11.43p.m. Waking at 7a.m. I feel a tiny flower withstanding a storm. Tired. Things have been happening a lot recently at nyte. My sister was confiding in me about her complex problems, while i note the 20 over evidence of physical abusement on her. How do a tiny flower help a broken one in a storm?

Maybe..

Breathless again today. The only one class i conducted is chewing me up but the busy work helps me to not go there. Along some time today, I have been making mental calculation, supposedly my difficult navigation is comfirmed. I need a lot more savings. I'll need a savings plan. Its strange to think how frugal i've become, annoying myself in debation not to spend.

Choices. I hate them but genuflect them too. Its a junction. It means i can make a decision. I don't want to be here. I'm giving myself 2yrs.

I missed a good sleep once more last nyte. Its another of those wicked curse. I didn't do anything but wait at the phone& hope everything is alryte. It came& gone within a nyte. "If you have any problems you must say, don't just keep it to yourself or do silly things" By Daddy. Me? i'm okay ntg wrg all fine my entire life(cross fingers).

Ps: Baby i know you're reading this now& a lil nag here, you should be in bed-____-

At home, Mommy's place.

I rented as book today. At the 3rd rental store i have raided an hour each, i finally settled with the one. I had been thinking of Jodi's, expecting a new read of hers but no.. Guess not yet so i'll venture into Nora Roberts for now.

I feel like i've roamed all the streets, like i've counted all the daffodils on the grounds. I don't know where i'm navigating to, i'm still searching. But the roads are never-ending and i can pause my counting now. Just awhile more before i search again.

Anyway, i should be at work now but instead i'm nursing myself here. I feel awful, not because i'm sick. But it'll be a quarter smaller of my pay check. I have about 600 for my savings. Another 25 days more to the next pay check. I don't know what i'm saving for. For my current suficiency i know but i want a real dream.

I missed dinner last night, ate a baby's portion of lunch today in combination with my medication& that's a step to disrupting my eating habits. But that's okay.. I'll make up for it. Its a restless day. January 5. I'm going to sleep. Bye

"you've got this silly way of keeping me on the edge of my seat"

Mood: Emotionless
Songs: Joel turner- these kids, David Crowder- Glorious

Woo.. Within the past 12 hours, i have consumed 2 bowls of cereal, my gingerbread i had been saving since christmas, wangwang, chocolate waffles, chweekueh(fave) and rice w chicken. I feel stuffed like the teddy bear Dan& me saw at esplanade. Your choice of how much cotton you want in its tummy. You know. But its cute. Okay this paragraph is just random. Scrap that. Recently i've been blogging in incomplete sentences. Please bear with it.

Anyway classes today was horrible. I had to rewrite& memorise everything once more. Words in sequences=.= For a minute then i felt like giving up. Like what the hell am i doing? More like why. But no, my entire family realises i'm a chameleon already. Can't do can't do can't do.

I'm 110% jaded. Has Einstein followers invented a liquified sleep replenisher that works within 60 seconds? I need sleep badly. ALOT of sleep. I have annoying dark circles. I want Barbie skin. For once i prefer plastics to authentic. But realistically that means going under the knife. Yuck. Disgusting. Anyhow Annika suggest destroying all electronics tonyte that i can lay hands on& make sure i wear ear plucks. Right. Its 22.14 now. Time to research living abroad details than bedtime. Ta~